October 18: 36 weeks 3 days

Soooooooooooo doctor decided to move c-section up from November 1 to October 22. THAT’S IN 4 DAYS! UM I AM NOT READY. I NEED MORE TIME. I just spent a few hours at Beekman hospital downtown because of a massive panic attack I 100% brought upon myself because of our not-readiness (too many things still in boxes), my high blood pressure, double vision, carpal tunnel, general panic.....I need more time!

whhhoooooeeeee this is it

We left the doctor's office a little shocked and Tommy suggested a name and I just said "OK!" So,,there ya have it. Nothing like a deadline.

We were 4 days away and still didn't even have a name. So not ready! I want more time to be alone. To enjoy a book. To have peace and quiet. To sleep in. To relax. To be me. To get ready. Meditate. Get massages. Organize. But at the same time pregnancy is so uncomfortable in so many ways .... it's probably time .... HOLY SHIT.

It’s happening. Like now. I keep staring out into space, totally zoned out on another planet for minutes at a time.

omg omg omg omg omg

ok. here we go.

October 14: 36 weeks 2 days

Getting closer! And feeling worse!

Carpal tunnel - OUCH

Here’s a new one: DOUBLE VISION! WTF is this??? I feel cross-eyed and dizzy all the time!!! I am seeing double!!!!!! I can’t watch tv or look out the window in a car. Yikes.

My blood pressure is also crazy high. This freaked me out so much we went to the ER Saturday night. I have an at home BP machine to monitor it and it’s UP THERE. And with anxiety and not feeling at all ready - I had a panic attack. We gotta get this apartment ready. It’s such a source of stress. It’s like 1 step forward, 2 steps back as boxes keep coming, furniture needs to be built and then rearranged. I need a home that is peace and zen so I can sort through what’s happening physically, spiritually, mentally. When my home is a mess, my head is a mess. And right now it’s just TOO MUCH.

Pubic symphysis separation HURTS

AND I CAN’T EVEN SEE STRAIGHT!!!!

“Wait till he sees YOU” - we often think abut the fist time we see our baby. This provided a super sweet alternate view. Wait till he sees you….

October 5: 35 weeks days

Trying to embrace and appreciate these moments - these last moments of being pregnant. Something I longed to experience. But OMG it’s so hard!

My carpal tunnel is HORRIBLE. As I write this my fingers are numb and my wrists aches. I have to stop every 10 seconds. I wake up at night with pain all the way up my arm all the time.

My acid reflux is also horrendous. I vomit in my mouth a little bit all the time! It’s gross. I can only walk like 5-10 mins before I need to sit - my ankles are so swollen I lack range of motion.

My vagina feels like it’s going to crack in half at any moment. Pubic symphysis separation is REAL.

I can’t ever find a comfortable position to sit or lie down. My belly is too big for comfort. Then getting up from the couch or bed - hahahahahaha! It’s so hard!

Headaches are returning. This was bad in the first trimester.

Plus, have I mentioned ANXIETY?!

September 21: 32 weeks 4 days

Baby shower was today! Another out of body experience. Never thought I'd have one of these for myself.

I had a baby shower. I’m having a baby. Me.

September 7: 30 weeks 4 days

More anxiety!!!!

I most likely have to have a c-section. The baby is stuck breech. I want it to flip! I want it to have the full womb experience!

The survey really scares me. And I won’t have the typical labor / contractions / water breaking / birth experience. Like in the movies lol. But at least my vagina will be in tact - ?! There’s that.

September 5: 30 weeks 2 days

oh the anxiety is coming in fierce.

where will we put all the baby stuff? should we move? will i EVER SLEEP AGAIN? what is my body going to look like? WIll I love it again? Will it look sexy again? Will I have a hard time breastfeeding? Will it hurt? WIll the baby take the bottle? WHAT ARE WE NAMING IT????? what will we do about child care? Can we even afford child care? am i going to have to be home ALL THE TIME forever? will i like that? hate that? go crazy? Do we have what we need? What do you dress it in in winter? how does the car seat work in cabs?

jesussssssss

August 7: 26 weeks 1 day

nothing is ever fucking easy

i failed the glucose tolerance test. my number is 153 - too high should be 140 and under.

so i have to go back for a 3 hour test now

i thought i was relatively healthy

now i may have gestational diabetes and the baby may be at risk and me too

and the baby is breech and has been for about two weeks

i hate this

i hate all this

i'm scared

i'm worried

i'm annoyed

jesus. just be normal.

July 15, 2019: 22 weeks 6 days

What the hell do we need? What do we put on the registry?

do we really need a crib, bassinet, stroller (with bassinet attachment), carseat (that also turns into a stroller), pack n play, bouncy seat...

what do we dress it in?

do we or don’t we swaddle at night?

what if it cries all. the time. and i go crazy?

what if it dies? because we swaddled poorly or put it in some toy seat that will soon be recalled. jesus.

is it bad our apartment doesnt get fully dark? we don't even have a bedroom. it's a NYC duplex.

do we need a baby's room now how long will it sleep with is? will it even sleep?

how the F do you pump breast milk?

should we just do formula because it's easier?

will i go back to work? what work? full time? part time?

will i ever have time to just spend hours in a studio to train and dance and create ever again?

will i be happy?

will i be depressed?

daycare? full time? part time? can we afford it? is it good or bad for baby? for us?

how will i manage alone with the baby?

will i get my body back? or just a version of a body that i like again?

when can i get botox and injections? and maybe some cool sculpting??

July 1, 2019: 21 weeks 6 days

omg i am so self conscious right now. i really feel F A T. super clear from the get go i am NOT a cute thin pregnant woman with a basket ball in my belly. bleeeeecccchhhhhhh

my arms are bloated

June 17, 2019: 18 weeks 6 days

I have so much anxiety today. Is everything ok with the placenta? It’s previa right now. Can acupuncture help? Do I actually want a c-section so I don’t tear and go through all the pain??? But then if I have placenta previa I also can’t dance or workout. So, no.

Why do I have to be induced? Will I even experience the feeling of going into labor? Am i being ripped of that experience?

How do we even start a registry? What the fuck do we need? Do we have space? What about pacifiers? Soap? Bottles? Diapers? Clothes? Crib, stroller, bassinet, car seat, dresser, etc. How often do you bathe the baby? Will i ever sleep again? Do I have to go back to work to my annoying AF job??? Can we afford everything?? Will I ever have time to myself again? Do we get a babysitter? Will my mom be able to come in to help?

June 12, 2019: 18 weeks 1 day

Real Talk.

Adjusting and accepting this pregnancy body is really, really, really hard for me. I feel like I gained a lot of weight right away and everything just expanded - my chest, hips, everything. Even though my body has been both extremely ripped and also a little curvy through the years, I have, for the most part, had a positive and healthy body image. 

But these past few years trying to conceive have been very difficult and I have HATED the hormones I've had to be on. And then the moment I became pregnant and additional hormones surged through my body, I immediately felt LARGE and totally out of its control. And I'm only at the beginning. 

People say "it's beautiful," and "your body is doing a miraculous thing," and "you should love your body," and "F*** social customs of what a woman's body should look like."  

I know it’s incredible. And I know its temporary. But I honestly can't get there and I am having a really hard time loving this. I often feel embarrassed and uncomfortable and depressed. And I am legit terrified at how far I have to go and what the post-partum body will look like. Can anyone relate????

June 2, 2019: 17 weeks 5 days

I’m so unprepared for how life is going to change. I love my life. I love alone time. Long bike rides. Time to read. Drinks with friends. Training. Dancing. Vacations with Tommy. Why am I focusing on all the sacrifices and disrupters that will come with the baby rather than the love and joy? I’m scared of losing all those things. Losing myself. Not having time for me and to work on me and what makes me happy or what I’m good at. I wish we had more money. Money to pay easily for child care without even thinking about it. Babysitter? Nanny? Part-time nanny? Daycare? Done, easy peasy. So I can have time for me. But no. It’s just not that easy.

I’m already annoyed and embarrassed and angry that my body has changed so much to do this. And will it ever be sexy and fit again? Will I ever feel confident again? I miss that feeling of walking through a crowd feeling beautiful - sexy outfit, nice legs, long hair, pretty face. I now feel so old and unimportant. I know that’s putting a lot of importance to looks and standards but for me I’ve always “pretty.” And at one point like hellaaaaa fit. Now I feel gross. I’ve recently felt so much the escape of my youth. I’ve moved passed youth and it’s behind me now. I’m no longer a young sexy hot blonde thing. And I hate that. How can I continue to turn heads and feel amazing as I age? And as I have to put effort into a baby and not into myself? Ugghhh. Am I already a bad mom? Why do people keep saying I’m going to be a good mama?

To do after baby:
Write a book
Teach hammock or AGY
Teach pole
Teach Body Art
Take classes
Train with personal trainer
Start a new business?? Movement + fertility? Pre and post partum something?

May 24, 2019: 16 weeks 3 days

Ok. So telling the social media world. The post is a fabulous photo and something like:

Well, I can’t hide it anymore. It's not a food baby. Issa real baby! Looking forward to November to welcome this Baby Boy who we've been dreaming up for many years. And also, at some point shortly after, having a very giant and very cold beer.

May 6, 2019: 13 weeks 6 days

Online IVF support groups can quickly go from helpful to hurtful to obnoxious AS. Words and acronyms I hate include:

“Embie” (embryo). Embie??? wtf

Baby dust (who the F even knows). Are we 12 years old??

BFP (big fat positive - in reference to a pregnancy test). Why does it have to be big and fat????

SHUT UP

April 24, 2019: 12 weeks 1 day

Today the ob doctor said "i'm calling with good news. And i swear to god it's about time. I can't tell you how much that's all I ever wanted for years. Even if the news wasn't good. Just for the doctor to say "good news!”

I absolutely have PTSD from fertility. During one cycle - I can’t even remember what clinic - I changed all my contact info so all the calls went to Tommy. Every time my phone rang and I saw the # from whichever clinic we were at my heart sank. Every time.

April 3, 2019: 9 weeks 1 day

No I did not give up alcohol for Lent or for the J-Lo 10 day challenge.

I've been antisocial, embarrassed at my weight gain already (mostly due to hormone replacement since February), and overwhelmed with my new reality. My body has always been mine and I have loved it. And now I have to give it over to something and someone else and it has freaked me out. After all we have been through you would think I'd embrace all of this but it pretty much just reaffirms I'm complicated and maybe a little F'd up! (it's not just me though, right?!)

April 1, 2019: 8 weeks 7 days

PTSD - Before every appointment i'm scared. i’m not excited to see it again. is this what "normal" pregnant people feel? Total blissful happiness and excitement? Don't they know that they could look and the heartbeat could have stopped? It could have “arrested development.” That there is no baby anymore? And you will have to endure the abortion procedure to get what’s left of it out? That's where I have been. A few times. So now, I'm scared. We have an appointment tomorrow morning and im still nervous. What if something is wrong because something has always been wrong. I wonder how it feels to just be blissfully pregnant.

March 30, 2019: 8 weeks 4 days

Things I’m nervous about:
Getting fat and never bouncing back
Not being able to pole dance for 9 months
Being a bad mom - missing alone time
Feeling cramped in an NYC apt esp with children and hopefully a dog
Losing my sense of self in motherhood
Being scared the baby won’t love me or i won’t love it
Resenting Tommy
No idea what it will look like
Still jealous of people who could do it naturally and not spend their life savings

I’m starting a human and earthly life from scratch inside of me
It’s taken almost four years but we finally figured out how to start a new human life

I believe this spirit has been around us for a long, long time and after a year of letting go, refocusing, working with a manifestation and visualizing spiritual healer .... he/she has finally made their way to us. It’s been a long and difficult journey for us as well. But here we are!

I knew it. In my heart and what I manifested with certainty and trust. But I didn’t believe it. If that makes sense. The PTSD from 3 years of IVF and what it did to my central nervous system is ... something that deserves a lot of research.

Symptoms:
Nausea
Sore boobs
Emotional and moody
Bleeding
Cramps
Round ligament pain
Tired
Gas
Bloating
Weight gain
Shortness of breath

All I am is angry. Why? After all this? I’ve gain SO MUCH WEIGHT IN SO LITTLE TIME. Everywhere. My ass. My hips. My boobs. My arms. My belly. I don’t want to be seen. I feel like I’m disappearing. I used to love being seen. I was hot. Cute. Sexy. Interesting. Fun. Sassy. I feel like I’m losing all that bc I want to hide. I’m embarrassed AF to go out in public. It’s not just cute big boobs. Or a cute prego tummy. Lord when I get to that point of actually showing what the hell and i gonna look like then?? A balloon? Fat everywhere. Can I do anything? Will it just get worse? Will I be hot ever again? Feel comfortable in clothes? Fuck, just in public? I hate this. I’m supposed to love it. And I don’t.

Why am I on all these hormones? Is that the reason why all the weight gain? I hate this process. It reminds me of how unlucky I’ve been in doing this. Like if I could do it naturally and be drug free then probably I’d still a normal weight. No. I’m this. And I’m gross.

All I want are things I can’t have. Coffee in the morning or afternoon. A glass of wine to watch the sunset in Arizona or a cocktail after a long ass work day or with friends. A jacuzzi!!!! Lip plumps and botox.

God why am I the worst?!?!?!

Everything is going to be ok.

I’m great at keeping secrets. But I hate having to keep this one. They scare you so much in the first trimester. Will it stay? Will I be ok?

March 18, 2019: 6 weeks 6 days

There was a heartbeat today. There was a heartbeat today. There was a heartbeat today.

Today is March 18

Is this real???????

There's TWO heartbeats inside of me right now. Mine and ..... someone else's. Who will this person be? What will they look like? How much pain will they cause me? LOL. 

wow