I’m so unprepared for how life is going to change. I love my life. I love alone time. Long bike rides. Time to read. Drinks with friends. Training. Dancing. Vacations with Tommy. Why am I focusing on all the sacrifices and disrupters that will come with the baby rather than the love and joy? I’m scared of losing all those things. Losing myself. Not having time for me and to work on me and what makes me happy or what I’m good at. I wish we had more money. Money to pay easily for child care without even thinking about it. Babysitter? Nanny? Part-time nanny? Daycare? Done, easy peasy. So I can have time for me. But no. It’s just not that easy.
I’m already annoyed and embarrassed and angry that my body has changed so much to do this. And will it ever be sexy and fit again? Will I ever feel confident again? I miss that feeling of walking through a crowd feeling beautiful - sexy outfit, nice legs, long hair, pretty face. I now feel so old and unimportant. I know that’s putting a lot of importance to looks and standards but for me I’ve always “pretty.” And at one point like hellaaaaa fit. Now I feel gross. I’ve recently felt so much the escape of my youth. I’ve moved passed youth and it’s behind me now. I’m no longer a young sexy hot blonde thing. And I hate that. How can I continue to turn heads and feel amazing as I age? And as I have to put effort into a baby and not into myself? Ugghhh. Am I already a bad mom? Why do people keep saying I’m going to be a good mama?
To do after baby:
Write a book
Teach hammock or AGY
Teach pole
Teach Body Art
Take classes
Train with personal trainer
Start a new business?? Movement + fertility? Pre and post partum something?