March 13, 2019: 6 weeks 1 day

I’m tired and depressed and emotional AF. I’m scared. I’m scared for tomorrow’s first 6 week ultrasound. I’m scared because 3 years ago we were SO EXCITED to go to this exact appointment and that's the day that I broke. My insides shattered. And that crack keep getting deeper and deeper for 3 years. Like I cannot allow myself to be hopeful or excited. Yet i know it's going to be ok and good. It's a weird line I have been straddling for a while: Knowing and skeptical. Knowing it’s actually all fine. But not allowing myself to believe it.

Then what happens to my cycle of: 1. IVF attempt. 2. Total failure. 3. Oh hell, well, this didn't work (again) let my cry and get depressed for a minute then have cocktails with my friends and live likeI used to! Train hard. Pole dance. Drink coffee and martinis. That's been my cycle for years. And if all is good, then i can't do any of that for like 9 months to a year. And THAT scares me too. Like WTF?!?!?

This thing they call the first trimester is terrible. When you need the MOST support is when you have to be silent and secretive. I'm living a lie. I'm scared it's not real life. I can't tell anyone. I am modifying my life. I want to embrace everything but shit this is hard.

March 8, 2019: 5 weeks 3 days

Hcg went up to 3,563 which is good. Good sign. 

BUT my tsh is elevated like 4.88 and it needs to be under 2.5!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You don’t even want to know what the risks are if you Google” high tsh + pregnancy.”

Also this week I have had some bleeding and spotting which has ROYALLY FREAKED ME OUT. So much that i gave myself a panic attack and was short of breath and my heart was racing and my muscles were twitching. Is this all a sign of...something bad? Miscarriage, ectopic, preeclampsia, etc. Or is it all normal?? 

This is so hard. Jesus. 

Scan on Friday. 6 week scan.

March 5, 2019: 5 weeks

I am nervous about every little thing, every tiny crap. Or big cramp. is it gas? My uterus? Am i miscarrying? Is it ectopic?I am spotting a teeny tiny but. Is that BAD? Is it normal? Will it be ok? Is it the worst? Should I not have taken the stairs? Should I not be dancing? Am I doing everything wrong? Good lord. This is going to be a long 9 months isn't it? I want to be present and aware and enjoy every little moment, especially after all we went through - the pain - to get here. but I now realize maybe this will be just as stressful. Great.

March 2, 2019: 10 days post transfer

Hcg level is 171. There ya go! It needs to be above 50 to be conferred pregnant.

omgggg the RELIEF

i'm a bright fucking cloud floating up into the air

i cant say it yet and it will be a while. one day at a time. one blood test. one Ultrasound. one test. at a time.

Literally - like i'll believe it when i see it - like the baby in 9 months

But whoooooo the relief of that pressure and anxiety that was building is incredible.

Is this real? When can we really believe it?

When do I buy the books and download the apps?

When do we announce?

When can I dance? 

Will it really be a year until i have coffee and alcohol again??

What's going to happen to my body?

ALSO we've been here before. Exactly here. A positive test. So happy. So excited. Downloaded apps. Bought books. Looked to the future. Relieved. But it all came crashing down and cut out - literally. So treading lightly.

February 20, 2019: TRANSFER DAY

Transfer day - easy peasy quick n easy

Had acupuncture right before and right after

Transfer took like 5 mins in a regular exam room - nothing fancy

Just boom- there it is

Now we wait....

(writing post-event I KNEW it was going to work. I spent a year manifesting and meditating and communing with the universe with a special healer/clairvoyant and it helped me move from hoping, praying, wishing, and wanting to KNOWING. And that made a huge difference) Tori Quisling, thank you:

https://toriquisling.com

February 1, 2019: 2.5 weeks before embryo transfer

 = news both embryos tested normal. I hit the floor sobbing. Literally on my knees. Palms smacked the floor. Doubled over in tears. The first time FIRST TIME we had any good news. It wasn’t even something as simple as relief or joy. it's some emotion I cannot even identify.

January 14, 2019: 5 weeks before embryo transfer

Being on the precipice of change - knowing life is going to change is exciting and scary. Life, my awesome life, is not going to be the same any more. Maybe that's even a little sad. But exciting. Change is good. Spice is life. Can’t eat vanilla everyday forever. Whooo-eeeeee. Here we go.

Welcome to my brain on hormones

If you are pregnant or post partum and you are having those "is what I am thinking insane?" moments and just need to check in with someone else, here you go. 

This is a mostly stream of consciousnesses look inside my pregnant and post partum mind. It is not and was not standing in a field of sunflowers, cradling a growing belly, and wearing a flower crown as I stare out into the distance with blissful contemplation. This is after almost 4 years of IVF — at 3 different clinics (Columbia, SIRM, CCRM) and all failed attempts at creating one, just one, viable embryo — countless procedures, needles, shots, hormones, tests, surgeries, D&Cs, therapy, acupuncture, herbs, clairvoyant workshops, loss after loss, pain upon pain, and then a lot of healing. We decided after about a year of a break not to do IVF again. I. just. couldn't. I hit a wall and that wall was not moving. I could not keep going down that same path again and again. Enough was enough. We finally found a way to start our family. I am in uncharted waters so stay tuned. We start in January 2019 with my brain on reproductive hormones to get ready for the embryo transfer….enjoy and I hope it helps someone somewhere.